29

Today is my twenty-ninth birthday.  It's actually a pretty significant birthday, although I try not to make a big deal of these things.  (Is there anything more obnoxious than someone who makes a huge deal about their own birthday?)  It's significant for all the typical reasons: last year of my twenties, ect.  It's significant to me personally because it sort of feels like the last age I ever pictured myself being.

It's always been a running joke in our family that my mom is 29.  When my brother and I were younger she had us trained to say that she was 29 when anyone asked.  To her 29 was the last acceptable age and she made the totally rational decision to stick there.  As someone who has been 22 for the last 6 years I can relate to that choice.

So, I guess you could say this is the last year before uncharted territory.  (Even my own mother hasn't made it to thirty!)  Realistically every passing birthday leads us into place we have never been but 30 is a place I didn't even allow myself to imagine.  Luckily I do have an entire year to figure out how to be 30- or at least 29 days in November of 2012, since I will likely be putting it off until then.

Things for which I am not Thankful

1. The "!" that lets people mark emails as urgent.
2. Text messaging.  For the love of all that is holy just CALL ME.
3. Tattoos.  I like tattoos but their existence has me forever questioning whether I should/will get one and that is just annoying.
4. Hiking, camping, floating and any other rustic activity that I am not into and therefore makes me high-maintenance or whatever.  (p.s. fuck you)
5. Location services (foursquare, ect.)  1. I don't care.  2. See #1.
6. That I am not magic.
7. Any type of workout where throwing up is encouraged or likely to result.
8. Herbal supplements.  (i.e. douche powder)
9. Pleated pants, mini skirts, midriff bearing shirts, anything with only one shoulder and shorts.
10. Dry Clean Only or Hand Wash Only.
11. Crocheted blankets and wool scarfs.
12. Wallets that are not long enough for money.
13. Reward cards, punch cards, plus cards and anything where you don't just give me the discount in the first place please and thankyou.
14. Annotated books.
15. Snow.
16. That rule where you aren't supposed to end sentences in a preposition.
17. Farting and burping.
18. How much Starbucks costs.
19. A car's "service window."
20. Alarm clocks.

Superficial and Thankful

Things I am thankful for in no particular order:

1. Apple, Steve Jobs, iphones and all the Mac technology that makes my life awesome.  My iphone is the current love of my life.
2. Music.  I seriously do not think that I would be sane without music.
3. The Kardashians.  Come on!  They are beyond entertaining.
4. Sephora, Stilla, Philosophy, Mac, Dior, Burt Bees, Bare Escentuals and Smashbox.
5. Internet shopping.  Add free shipping and we have achieved Nirvana.
6. Zooey Deschanel and bangs- both mutually exclusive and inclusive.
7. Hair color, Bumble and Bumble, Redkin, blow dryers and curling irons.
8. Sequins, rhinestones, bobby pins and hairbows.
9. OPI nail polish.
10. JK ROWLING!
11. Deodorant.  For seriously.
12. Old Navy flip flops.
13. Automatic transmission.
14. Top Chef.
15. Mindy Kaling, Pamela Ribon and Tina Fey.
16. Gianni Bini, Antionio Melani, BCBG and Converse.
17. Free will, logic, forgiveness, creativity and loyalty.
18. Designer handbags.
19. The color blue.
20. The printing press and all the continuing iterations thereof.

My Romantic Comedy Character

It's a Zooey Deschenal world, baby. Quirky girls reign. Let's be real though, most of us are quirky girls at heart but we don't wear it out there for the world to see like a homemade dress and pigtails with bow-tied ribbons. We have learned to camouflage that shit. If I wore a plastic button shaped like a robot on my Dorothy Gale styled apron dress to work, my boss' eyes would pop out of his head. I also do not think it would help the "you are too young to be a lawyer" comments.

And yes, I am actually as clumsy as can be and it is decidedly not as cute as they make it look in romantic comedies. You know what happens when you fall on your face? You scrape your knees and then you can't wear dresses or skirts for two weeks and you have to wash your pants twice as much. OMG, so cute!

So, yes, whatever they could totally base a sitcom on me in theory but in actual, real life this is all stuff that I am overcoming not cashing in on. So anyway, my quirky girl romantic comedy qualities that totally make me irresistible according to Hollywood (ha ha):

1. I fall down a lot. Did she just fall down AGAIN. Ha ha yes she did!
2. I say stupid things that offend other people accidently. "Whoops your Halloween costume actually is slutty pumpkin, my bad."
3.  I love sad songs and hate sad movies. (Contradictions make me a complex character. Unravel me.)
4. I burn stuff when I cook. (Usually myself.)
5.  I love to read and have tons of books. If only I wore reading glasses. Down boy.
6. I love pop culture.
7. I have shiny hair. What? Have you ever seen a romantic comedy where the heroin did not have shiny hair?
8.  I am blunt, honest, tell it like it is. (I'm the only one who sees through his bullshit I must be the one.)

Of course all this just makes me the perfect woman for a straight chick. We all know what guys want- someone with nice boobs who loves the outdoors.

Fucking outdoors.