Monday, March 22, 2010

The is.

I know this blog seems all over the place. I think that it's because- scratch that, I know that it' s because I, personally, am all over the place. I've always been a bit moody. This attribute being somewhat redeemed by that fact that my less desirable moods never last long.

Lately I feel like I fluctuate from super inspired and motivated, to completely exhausted, to totally overwhelmed, to beyond over it and indifferent, to calm, to stressed, to content, to get me the everliving hell out of here. I think I am currently in the process of re-inventing my comfort zone. For a while after life changes you just sort of live in the change. You think about how it was and you envision how it will be but you live somewhere in between the was and will be.

You allow yourself to do this- live in the change- because it's only fair that you should have time to adjust and feel comfortable with the will be. Then somewhere along the way you stop living in the change. Not voluntarily, more like the change kicked you out because the was became irrelevant and the will be didn't materialize and all of a sudden everything just "is". The space you occupy is no longer the change but the "is". And if you aren't yet comfortable with the "is" the change can't be your excuse for that any longer.

I have to become comfortable in the "is". This was all new and now it's not anymore and I need to adjust to that and make this my comfort zone. It's funny though, the end of change came before the beginning of comfort. That's where I am now- clear of the change and short of the comfort. So I guess you could say I am accepting of the "is" but not comfortable with it yet. Kind of like an acquaintance that I've decided to make a friend but am not quite ready to tell my secrets.

Thursday, March 04, 2010

And now I'm going to be one of those people who says, "It's not a sprint it's a marathon."

I had to get that Dorkorama off the top of the page. Trust me, I know that normal people do not spend so much time formulating Lost theories. But it's not that I am sitting around making notes on Lost theories on my legal pads- it just something that occupies my mind, you know, like in the shower, or while I'm driving, or falling asleep at night.

One time my boss asked me about the status of a case out of the blue. He said, "I woke up in the middle of the night and thought about Blank matter." All I could think was, "You woke up in the middle of the night thinking about a case?" And to be honest, if thinking about ridiculous, pointless things like Lost theories instead of stressing about work keeps this from being my future then I will never stop being a dork. (Hint: I will never stop being a dork either way.)

This has been a rough week and a half or so. You get those from time to time. Where it feels like nothing you do is right and everyone is unhappy with you or bitching at you. And one day when I was particularly in the trenches my boss said a couple of things that resonated with me. The type of things that I think I might still be saying to myself in 10 years. One was to "keep your confidence up." Which is really so important. I mean, if you don't believe in your own abilities then how can you make other people believe that you are capable. So at the times when you feel most incapable you need to feel the most confident in your abilities because just that confidence will go a long way toward making you capable.

The second thing was that with the work we do- really mentally draining work- it is important to not let yourself work until you are completely drained. Until your eyes glaze over and your body feels limp. Because the thing is, everything has to be quality and one mistake will sink the ship. The more tired you are the more apt you are to not only make mistakes but to just half-ass stuff. And oftentimes around here that last 10% effort is what keeps us out of trouble. Not to say that it isn't a necessity to work long or hard, but to also be aware of your own limitations and take sanity breaks, walk around, run an errand-whatever.

I'm learning more and more that I really have to be methodical in my work. I have always been the "git r done" type when it comes to tackling a job and I am the type to work until the job is done. I'm learning that I need to schedule my work more, take breaks, knock off if the job is too big for one day. I didn't think that I would end up here when I started- I thought I could be easy, breezy don't take it too seriously lawyer girl. But really there is no pride in not taking something too seriously and, as always, there is pride in a job well done.

Monday, February 22, 2010

From now on I will be eating my lunch alone in the bathroom.

You know that situation? The one where Friend One gets into a fight with Friend Two and then you decide you need to stick up to Friend Two on behalf of Friend One. And then Friend One and Friend Two make up, but now Friend Two hates you. I lived in that situation in high school. I just couldn't seem to let people fight their battles. And then finally, the last time this happened, one of the many Friend Twos called me out, loudly, in the high school cafeteria during lunch about adherence to the side of Friend One and my overall poor behavior regarding the situation and i was e.m.b.a.r.r.a.s.s.e.d. Also, I finally finally finally learned my lesson.

Since then I have been Switzerland (Sweden? (whichever one of those "neutral" countries.)) Being neutral hasn't been without its own problems. I have been accused of a lack of loyalty, of not being "there" for friends, but I have done a reasonably good job at staying out of other people's battles. I give advice and opinions when solicited- sometimes heavily weighed to one side or the other- but I stop short of getting so invested that I become collateral damage of the disagreement. Until this weekend.

This weekend I was a witness to a situation. A marital related situation. It may have been a completely innocent situation, I do not know and, really, it is none of my business. Regardless, the witness(es) (of which there were more than one) cannot un-witness. I was Sweden without any neutral territory- old, familiar Friend Three with no where to hide from the inevitability of ending up avoiding someone in the lunchroom. So, here I am, with shrapnel in my leg assessing the damage done in the rubble of someone else's problem.

If you think you could have done better I invite you to turn back the wheel of time and give it a try. Sometimes there is no ground to stand on that is not perilous and no future that is not full of consequence.