Thursday, September 28, 2006

Every coin has two sides...

The title to this post makes it sound like it's going to be deep. It's not...

So my grandma is a phenomenal cook (like most people's grandmas). She's German and she cooks awesome German food and also really good Italian (which is kinda wierd) but anyway. My mom and I have this little joke about her cooking. See my mom has all her recipes and will make her stuff from time to time but it's never quite as good (this is consensus I'm not busting on my mom). Anyway we always blame it on the pot. My grandma has this cast iron pot that she cooks pretty much everything in and we say that it has "the taste of 1000 meals." That is, every dish my grandma cooks has just a little bit of every other wonderful thing she's ever cooked in that pot. That's the extra ingrediant. That's why no one else can ever get it quite right. Even though I say it's a joke don't misunderstand me, we acutally believe it. When my grandma comes to help cook for Christmas she brings the pot...the pot is magic.

Now for the other side of the coin.

I don't like to heat beverages up in the microwave. I have a teapot and I use it to boil water even if I just need a cup. Why? The microwave has the taste of 1000 meals too. Everything you cook in the microwave tastes like everything else you've cooked in the a bad way. Everything you cook in the microwave tastes vaguely like hot dogs. Even if you've never cooked hot dogs in your microwave. Anyway I think beverages tend to soak the microwave taste up especially well. It's gross seriously. I'm not one of those microwave lovers. How long has it been since we invented a better way to heat up food anyway? Isn't it about time for the next thing? I'm ready.

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

A Simple Question

So you probably know more about the law than you think (unless you are one of those horribly annoying people who think you know everything, but really know nothing). If you've watched some Law and Order or Boston Legal or Ally McBeal or Judging Amy then you've probably picked up something along the way. When you get to law school there are definitely a few things that really are common knowlege. It's wierd too, because we have television and movies and maybe books (if you read John Grisham) to thank for that.

That being said the layman doesn't know anything about law. Seriously, repeat that to yourself. I know I just built up your confidence about knowing something and then I come along and stole the twinkle from your eye, but sorry it's the truth. While most people may have some idea of what a trial is like (probably romanticized) it would be nigh impossible for you to actually look up a law (it's relatively difficult to look up a statute on the internet believe it or not). Plus you wouldn't know what kind of law you were looking for and if, by chance, you found the right statute you still wouldn't know how to find the proper caselaw to actually interpret what it means and even at that point it can be pretty murky. This is not because you are stupid (don't get me wrong you may be stupid, I don't know, but a smart person would have the same problem). This is because the law is SO complicated.

In the same way I might say you know nothing about the law an attorney would say that I know nothing about the law and a older attorney would say he knows nothing about the law and a judge would say that the lot of us know nothing about the law, ect... It's just really complicated. What you might be able to infer at this point (if you've been following along) is that there are no simple answers in law. Got that? No simple answers.

At this point you might be thinking: What the heck is this post about anyway? What is your point or are you just trying to annoy me? Well get ready to feel like you just wasted five minutes because my point is: There are no simple questions in law either. Okay there is one simple question (to be answered at the end of the post).

Time and time again people will come to an attorney and say I just want know if this is legal. The answer to that question is always MAYBE. Maybe it depends on... You want an example. Question: "I just want to know if murder is legal." Answer: Was it in self-defense? (The answer to a legal question should always be maybe or another question). So yeah we all know it's illegal to murder someone but it is defensible in lots of situations so there you go. No simple question, no simple answer.

Are you ready?

Now for the one simple question...

"Can they sue me for this?"

Answer: YES. They can always sue you for that. They may not have a good case. It may be a waste of thier money and everyone's time, but someone can always drag your ass into court. Now how long it stays there...

Monday, September 25, 2006

Spirit Fingers Fin.gers n. (sprt)(fnggr): the act of raising arms over head and wiggling fingers enthusiastically; often assoicated with cheerleading, the movie Bring It On, and being a complete idiot; works well in conjuction with small squeal or whoop.

I have been known to utilize the spirit fingers. In the privacy of my own home, with no one around if I'm lucky. Spirit fingers are a great way to celebrate life's small victories. Finish a homework assignment? Characters finally get together on your favorite tv show? George Bush makes a speech without using the word evil? Spirit fingers! Use 'em or lose 'em people (not in public now don't get carried away). Spirit fingers are an instant pick me up. Like a Black-Eyed Peas song or Johnny Knoxville getting hit in the balls with a rubber bullet. User beware though, they can be dangerous if used improperly. Dangerous to your reputation that is. If you are one of those people who think they can't sink any lower. If you feel like you've hit rock bottom... bust out the spirit fingers in public. I guarentee you'll find out that you were wrong. The ridicule will show you where rock bottom actually is.

Try them out people you won't be disappointed. When you find yourself a more happy, contented and pleasant person you don't have to thank me. Seriously don't thank me because if I find out you are doing the spirit fingers I will make fun of you.

Friday, September 15, 2006

Oh great, another idiot taking to himself!

Attention all people with WiFi headsets for your mobile phone:

You are not that damn important!

What, do you need your hand free to carry a human heart? A biochemical weapon (like in The Rock)? The fate of the free world? No tool! You just want your hands free so you can gesture wildly and look like even more of an ass. "Ugh, these voices in my head are driving me CRAZY!"

Stop it!

You are also making the rest of us look like idiots. We, stupidly, think you are talking to us instead of thin air. We have entire conversations with you that make absolutely no sense before we realize you are busy having some uber-important conversation about how jiggly Jello is.

Now get that damn thing out of your ear!

Thursday, September 14, 2006

OMG could you be more...generic?

So do you like the makeover? And when I say you I have no idea who I am talking to.

Writing in this blog is comparable to talking to an infant or a pet. It's scary what you will say when you have a seemingly captive audience. Every so often I have to will myself not to go back and erase everything I've written on here, because I know at least half of it is complete shit. Hopefully we'll be looking forward to higher quality postings in the future. And by we'll I have no idea who I mean. I promise the inimitable collective "you" that I will try to be more sharp, witty and insightful in the future.

(The phrase "inimitable collective" is from a movie.) Does everyone feel like a tool when they quote movies or is it just me? I want to quote movies all the time, but I restrain myself. I think it might push me over the edge from "pretending to be normal" to "no one in their right mind would find this person normal." That line is my friend and if I ever lose my balance and fall to the other side I'm not sure I have the password to get back into Normal-Person's-Land.

I think my problem is I always feel the need to confess when I quote a movie. I just feel to guilty when I try to claim someone else's wit as my own. For the most part I could be getting away with it. It's not like I walk around shouting "you had me at hello!" Clearly I'm my own worst enemy.

Speaking of quotes I read one in a law book recently (shut up law books are all I have time to read). George Bernard Shaw said, "Silence is the most perfect expression of scorn." So quit scorning me people and leave me some comments. I've enabled anonymous posting so you don't have to worry about being in the witness protection program or revealing your secret identity. A girl needs some feedback.

p.s. The title is from Clueless. See!

Thursday, September 07, 2006

On my own

So I've been living alone for over a year now and I've been single for roughly 1000 years (or maybe it only seems like it). When you are single and living alone you begin to develop a lot of routines in your life. Everyone has a routine but it's very different when you live alone, because your routine is never really interrupted. You can always watch what you want on TV, eat when you want, sleep when you want, be as quiet or loud as you want, and you don't have to accommodate anyone else.

The line between alone and lonely has a lot to do with what you do with your time and how you keep yourself entertained and happy (especially in a new place with less friends and no family). So not only do you develop a largely uninterrupted routine, but it also becomes pretty important to you.

Sooner or later you are in danger of becoming massively self-absorbed. That's probably about the point when you finally meet someone and have to re-learn how to accommodate another person's needs and preferences into your life. It's pretty much life's sick joke.

I mention this because most of us probably don't picture ourselves alone for any significant portion of our lives, and then all of a sudden we are. You don't even notice that you are becoming totally ingrained in your specific way of doing things until someone comes over and folds a towel wrong or something. Then you are forced to realize that you are deeply, deeply single and that is very, very depressing.

Just try to remember all this the next time you are alphabitizing pop tabs from third grade by type of soda. Someday you might have to throw them away to make room for that special someone's collection of mint condition Pogs.

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

Today in Sad, Funny and Annoying...

Sad: Katie says Suri rumors "not okay." I wouldn't want people saying my baby girl was from the planet Zenu and fathered by a insane gay man either.

Funny: Hawaii either hates lost or LOVES traffic laws.

Annoying: Katie Couric. General rule: Katie Couric is always annoying.

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

Tax Law is boring and other obvious things

If you pay your sister for legal services by building her a green house it could be income or a gift or it could be that you are just being effing annoying to confuse law students for your own amusement.

I'm 100% positive that everyone cracked up when they heard the "crocodile hunter" was killed by a stingray. Then they reached the line about his 5 year old daughter and immediately felt bad about themselves. Just because it's sad doesn't mean it can't be funny.

It'd be pretty funny to have a baby on labor day.

People in my tax class are confused by the fact that a bank loan isn't income. Shoot me.

I read the people article on Jessica Simpson and John Mayer. The "friend"/source's last word on the subject was that Jessica had been burned by the "hot" guy in the past and is happy to be with a guy like John. Question: Is People calling John Mayer ugly?