Friday, October 31, 2008

Confession: I don't like Halloween.

I don't like Halloween and I don't know why. I love scary movies, I love magic, I love witches and zombies and monsters, but I don't like Halloween as a holiday. I guess I need my holidays with a little meaning behind them. Halloween doesn't have the normal holiday meaning. No freedom from British tyranny and religious persecution, no sharing of the first meal with the natives of a new land, no birth of a savior.

I've sort of gotten roped into attending a costume party this year and, surprise, I don't really like dressing up in costumes. This is the Diddy's Black and White Party of costume parties though, you must come in costume (Incidentally, what are we calling Sean Combs these days anyway?) So, I'm going to be a trucker. This is primarily because I got it in my head that the costume I would be most happy to wear would consist of a wife beater, flannel shirt and jeans. Add a trucker hat and a can of Skoal and you have a trucker. I know it's not the most creative thing ever and that, in fact, it is rather lame and possibly offensive to actual truck drivers. Also, no one will know what I am. However, I purchased a flannel shirt at Wal-Mart last night and there is no turning back now.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Girl Friday v. The Garage Door

When you push the button to close the garage door it goes all the way down and then all the way up again. Over and over. Actually, there is this sadistic little pause in between where you think it might stay down after all, but it doesn't.

So then, you stretch way up on your tippy-toes and pull the little red string to disengage the electric opener and close it manually. A little old-fashioned, but doable. Wow it's super easy to pull down, yay. Wait crap, how do you lock it so someone can't get in the garage and steal all your stuff now? Oh wait, there's a little lever thing? Awesome! What? The lever is screwed in place with some weird flat headed screw that you don't have a tool for and is stuck anyway? No problem, just pull that little red string back the other way and lock it it into place. You can't reach the string anymore in its new position? Never fear, look a trusty umbrella. Stretch way up, yup that outta do it.

But whoops, at some point you have to leave again. That door is so easy to put up and down that it won't stay all the way up, instead it comes down little, by little, by little throughout the course of about 10 seconds. How are you supposed to get your car out of that? Well, just push it up and then run over real quick and pull that little red string the other way to lock it in place. What? The red string is hanging directly over the middle of your car now and you can't reach it? Well get yourself that trusty umbella again and open up your back car door; now run to the gargage door, push it all the way up, run back to the car, grab that umbrella, stand on the back seat, stretch waaay over the car, push the lock into place with the umbrella. Viola! Wait, how do you close it again?

Write to Marry Day: First they came for the gays.

If you think the gay marriage issue doesn't affect you,
Martin Niemoller said it best:

When the Nazis came for the
I remained silent;
I was not a communist.

When they locked up the social democrats,
I remained silent;
I was not a social democrat.

When they came for the trade unionists,
I did not speak out;
I was not a trade unionist.

When they came for the Jews,
I remained silent;
I was not a Jew.

When they came for me,
there was no one left to speak out.

This is not a moral issue. This is not a social issue. This is a CIVIL RIGHTS issue. I'm not gay, hell I don't even live in California, but I'm not going to remain silent while they come for someone else.

Monday, October 27, 2008

If you must, take this as my solemn vow that I will never blog about anything serious again.

Before we begin, a note: I totally did not know if I spelled solemn right in the title, and I did not believe blogger when it told me I did so I went to Word and when it also said it was spelled right I still didn't believe it so I totally checked the Thesaurus to make sure it was the right word after all. However, I am not at all concerned with that horrible run on sentence.

So, this may sound slightly selfish but I would totally be willing to give up Will Smith's existence if they would just stop showing re-runs of The Fresh Prince of Bel Air.

One thing that annoys me more than The Fresh Prince of Bel Air is that lately every person that I run into that I haven't seen for a few years keeps telling me I haven't changed AT ALL. Don't get me wrong, I don't care that I haven't changed, but what they really mean is that I am still blunt and sarcastic. Which, again, I don't care, but WHY are they saying this. What do I do that prompts people to go, "Oops, still a bitch."

Sometimes I say something that prompts my nearest friend's eyes to pop wide open in disbelief and I'm like, "WHAT DID I SAY?" I mean, what kind of world do we live in that people are so blatantly shocked at a little damn honesty? Here's a recent example:

Setting: a friend of a friend's party for a friend's fiance. (heh)
Amenities: a pony keg, cheese ball and some brownies.
Status: not nearly drunk enough to be having fun.

Friend: So, what is [your brother] doing tonight?

Me: Probably something more fun than this.

Everyone in the room: *crickets*

I mean really. The host and hostess weren't in the room. I don't think I'm destined to be understood in my time.

10 Things to do before you turn 18

The following is based on my own experience or lack thereof:

1. Get in HUGE trouble that was totally worth it.

2. Be a make-out slut.

3. Make sure that at some point your parents hate your clothes, hair color, make-up and the number of body piercings you have.

4. Eat dinner with your family every night possible.

5. Do everything you are invited to do except anything destined to get you arrested, pregnant, infected with an STD or seriously injured.

6. Spend money on things you want but don't need.

7. Wear clothing, make-up and jewelry you aren't quite sure you can't pull off.

8. Sleep embarrassingly late.

9. Learn to ignore the words "normal" and "perfect."

10. Waste time.