The law school admissions essay I should have written...

I was looking back over my law school admissions essay (personal statement). I'll spare you the details, but it got me to thinking about what I should have said to impress law school officials (now having two years of experience under my belt.) I present to you...the law school admissions essay I should have written:

I am most certainly the type of person who belongs in law school. I find nothing more enjoyable than reading material of absolutely no interest to me all day every day. I am incredibly fascinated by legal cases. I never tire of reading pages and pages of facts I will never need again just to discover a miniscule rule of law. I am at my best when mercilessly bombarded with complex questions in front of large groups of people with no notice.

I love to write exactly what you tell me to write in the exact order you tell me to write it in the exact format and language you desire. Research is my true passion. I could literally shred tears of joy at the prospect of rummaging through caselaw in an attempt to find a rule or precedent that in all likelihood does not exist.

I enjoy conforming to stereotyped ideas of what individuals in a certain profession should be. I only wear black suits with blue or white shirts and sensible shoes. I have no interests outside of the law. My best attributes are that I am hard-working, detail-oriented and a quick learner. I desire nothing more to recite this mantra over an over.

Most of all, above all the items listed above, I love to network. I dream about networking at night and wake up in the morning ready to network. My mouth has the permanent taste of someone else's ass. I am the true definition of a real go-getter.

So you see law school, you have no choice but to admit me. I am the perfect law student specimen. Thank you for your consideration I look forward to hearing from you.

Best regards.