Passion and other overrated things.

Step 1: Find something you are passionate about.
Step 2: Find a way to make money off of this thing you are passionate about.
Step 3: Wake up.

Self Destruction

I am somewhat past the age of outgrowing things.  I will always love Fight Club and quote Tyler Durdan.  I will buy the next Eminem album.  Speak ill of Britney Spears and I will give you a primer on how she is the greatest pop star of all time (Madonna, as if!).

Perhaps I have become an old dog, as in, I lack new tricks.  Which, I might be willing to accept if not for the fact that self-improvement is the current flavor of the moment.  New tricks are required.

Standing by as everyone else gets better and you stay the same basically sucks.   Unfortunately the alternative is self-improvement.  Self improvement is unfortunate on many levels; it requires you to be cognizant of your own flaws, it requires you to confront the things that are most difficult for you and, perhaps the worst, it requires you to put in additional effort beyond your current course load of tasks and obligations.

The award for self-improvement is constant adoration from others of the fact that you no longer suck like you used to along with requests for the nonexistent secrets to your success.  I'm pretty convinced that all fad diets, fad workouts, self help seminars and the like just came from people getting sick of their friends, coworkers and acquaintances asking them "how they did it" and resorting to making shit up.

What cinches the ultimate suckage of the whole self-improvement thing is, for the most part, it is positive and good for you.  Well crap.

It seems that now is as good of a time as any to confess that I really have no point regarding this subject, just complaints.

I assure you, I'm working on it.

My BFF

I really do think it is possible to love an inanimate object- specifically a smartphone.  Honestly, people love their dogs and my iphone has done more for me then any dog could do in two of its accelerated doggy lifetimes.   I really think my phone is my best friend.  It provides everything that I expect from a friend- companionship, humor, honesty, loyalty, entertainment- as well as many things that I don't dare expect from my real friends- it's always on time, it knows what's in the news, it can do math and it knows when my next period is going to be arriving.

It seems like it is kind of popular all of a sudden to be down on our smartphone, tablet, Bluetooth infested world.  "Everyone is always on their phone.  There are no real connections anymore. Facebook is so lame."  etc. etc. etc.  I find myself irked at all this complaining about our awesome fortune to be living in a world where we can hold basically all the information we need to conduct our daily life ( and some bonus fun) in the palm of our hand for like $200.  That's some awesome shit right there.

This whole renaissance of handmade stuff and crafting and make your own laundry detergent and Pinterest (iphone app!) is great, don't get me wrong.  Also, it is completely made possible by and courtesy of the internet and mobile technology which gives us the power to share this information and makes it accessible to us.  Ironic, no?

I'll admit that it is particularly in my nature to embrace any technology that makes my life easier and more efficient.  Also, that I was born curious and am continually in awe of the amount of information available to me everyday free of cost and hassle.  I realize that not everybody in as in awe of their fortune to be living in the midst of technological revolution as I am.  However, in a world where our natural resources are forever shrinking, when times are tough and money is tight; time-saving, money-saving, resource-saving technology is more beneficial than ever before.  Waxing poetic about the good old days, however, remains as cliche and fruitless as it has always been.  Since the beginning of time when grandpa Adam started doing it (probably).

Really what I'm saying is you better step off my bff or I will cut a bitch.

New Day's Resolution

I haven't made any New Year's resolutions for several years.  Contrary to my popular belief this is not because I am a perfect and beautiful snowflake just the way I am.  Rather, this is because New Year's resolutions suck balls.  There is nothing worse then starting off a new year by summarily disappointing yourself in the first 30 days.

Think of a truly great problem.  I think a truly huge problem would be, "I'm a raging alcoholic," or "I stole my mother's gold necklace to pay for crack at Christmas dinner."  How do people solve these truly big problems?  One day at a time.  I've seen enough TV and movies to know that with regard to AA and NA it's all about taking things one day at a time.  The lack of one day at a time is why New Year's resolutions are so impossible.  This year I am going to...  That's a 365 day commitment.  Honestly I don't even want to commit to going to a movie with you this weekend when you call me on Monday.

So my New Year's resolution is more of a new day's resolution and it is "make good decisions today."  That's it.  If I fail I will start again tomorrow.  If today I find myself crying in a corner with  750ml of vodka or in the back seat with my lips around a crack pipe then tomorrow I will do better.   It's managable.

I do really want this to be my year for doing this living thing right.  However a year, 365 days is just too freaking overwhelming.  But 24 hours is immensely doable.  (If not this 24, then the next 24 for sure.)

29

Today is my twenty-ninth birthday.  It's actually a pretty significant birthday, although I try not to make a big deal of these things.  (Is there anything more obnoxious than someone who makes a huge deal about their own birthday?)  It's significant for all the typical reasons: last year of my twenties, ect.  It's significant to me personally because it sort of feels like the last age I ever pictured myself being.

It's always been a running joke in our family that my mom is 29.  When my brother and I were younger she had us trained to say that she was 29 when anyone asked.  To her 29 was the last acceptable age and she made the totally rational decision to stick there.  As someone who has been 22 for the last 6 years I can relate to that choice.

So, I guess you could say this is the last year before uncharted territory.  (Even my own mother hasn't made it to thirty!)  Realistically every passing birthday leads us into place we have never been but 30 is a place I didn't even allow myself to imagine.  Luckily I do have an entire year to figure out how to be 30- or at least 29 days in November of 2012, since I will likely be putting it off until then.

Things for which I am not Thankful

1. The "!" that lets people mark emails as urgent.
2. Text messaging.  For the love of all that is holy just CALL ME.
3. Tattoos.  I like tattoos but their existence has me forever questioning whether I should/will get one and that is just annoying.
4. Hiking, camping, floating and any other rustic activity that I am not into and therefore makes me high-maintenance or whatever.  (p.s. fuck you)
5. Location services (foursquare, ect.)  1. I don't care.  2. See #1.
6. That I am not magic.
7. Any type of workout where throwing up is encouraged or likely to result.
8. Herbal supplements.  (i.e. douche powder)
9. Pleated pants, mini skirts, midriff bearing shirts, anything with only one shoulder and shorts.
10. Dry Clean Only or Hand Wash Only.
11. Crocheted blankets and wool scarfs.
12. Wallets that are not long enough for money.
13. Reward cards, punch cards, plus cards and anything where you don't just give me the discount in the first place please and thankyou.
14. Annotated books.
15. Snow.
16. That rule where you aren't supposed to end sentences in a preposition.
17. Farting and burping.
18. How much Starbucks costs.
19. A car's "service window."
20. Alarm clocks.

Superficial and Thankful

Things I am thankful for in no particular order:

1. Apple, Steve Jobs, iphones and all the Mac technology that makes my life awesome.  My iphone is the current love of my life.
2. Music.  I seriously do not think that I would be sane without music.
3. The Kardashians.  Come on!  They are beyond entertaining.
4. Sephora, Stilla, Philosophy, Mac, Dior, Burt Bees, Bare Escentuals and Smashbox.
5. Internet shopping.  Add free shipping and we have achieved Nirvana.
6. Zooey Deschanel and bangs- both mutually exclusive and inclusive.
7. Hair color, Bumble and Bumble, Redkin, blow dryers and curling irons.
8. Sequins, rhinestones, bobby pins and hairbows.
9. OPI nail polish.
10. JK ROWLING!
11. Deodorant.  For seriously.
12. Old Navy flip flops.
13. Automatic transmission.
14. Top Chef.
15. Mindy Kaling, Pamela Ribon and Tina Fey.
16. Gianni Bini, Antionio Melani, BCBG and Converse.
17. Free will, logic, forgiveness, creativity and loyalty.
18. Designer handbags.
19. The color blue.
20. The printing press and all the continuing iterations thereof.

My Romantic Comedy Character

It's a Zooey Deschenal world, baby. Quirky girls reign. Let's be real though, most of us are quirky girls at heart but we don't wear it out there for the world to see like a homemade dress and pigtails with bow-tied ribbons. We have learned to camouflage that shit. If I wore a plastic button shaped like a robot on my Dorothy Gale styled apron dress to work, my boss' eyes would pop out of his head. I also do not think it would help the "you are too young to be a lawyer" comments.

And yes, I am actually as clumsy as can be and it is decidedly not as cute as they make it look in romantic comedies. You know what happens when you fall on your face? You scrape your knees and then you can't wear dresses or skirts for two weeks and you have to wash your pants twice as much. OMG, so cute!

So, yes, whatever they could totally base a sitcom on me in theory but in actual, real life this is all stuff that I am overcoming not cashing in on. So anyway, my quirky girl romantic comedy qualities that totally make me irresistible according to Hollywood (ha ha):

1. I fall down a lot. Did she just fall down AGAIN. Ha ha yes she did!
2. I say stupid things that offend other people accidently. "Whoops your Halloween costume actually is slutty pumpkin, my bad."
3.  I love sad songs and hate sad movies. (Contradictions make me a complex character. Unravel me.)
4. I burn stuff when I cook. (Usually myself.)
5.  I love to read and have tons of books. If only I wore reading glasses. Down boy.
6. I love pop culture.
7. I have shiny hair. What? Have you ever seen a romantic comedy where the heroin did not have shiny hair?
8.  I am blunt, honest, tell it like it is. (I'm the only one who sees through his bullshit I must be the one.)

Of course all this just makes me the perfect woman for a straight chick. We all know what guys want- someone with nice boobs who loves the outdoors.

Fucking outdoors.

The is.

I know this blog seems all over the place. I think that it's because- scratch that, I know that it' s because I, personally, am all over the place. I've always been a bit moody. This attribute being somewhat redeemed by that fact that my less desirable moods never last long.

Lately I feel like I fluctuate from super inspired and motivated, to completely exhausted, to totally overwhelmed, to beyond over it and indifferent, to calm, to stressed, to content, to get me the everliving hell out of here. I think I am currently in the process of re-inventing my comfort zone. For a while after life changes you just sort of live in the change. You think about how it was and you envision how it will be but you live somewhere in between the was and will be.

You allow yourself to do this- live in the change- because it's only fair that you should have time to adjust and feel comfortable with the will be. Then somewhere along the way you stop living in the change. Not voluntarily, more like the change kicked you out because the was became irrelevant and the will be didn't materialize and all of a sudden everything just "is". The space you occupy is no longer the change but the "is". And if you aren't yet comfortable with the "is" the change can't be your excuse for that any longer.

I have to become comfortable in the "is". This was all new and now it's not anymore and I need to adjust to that and make this my comfort zone. It's funny though, the end of change came before the beginning of comfort. That's where I am now- clear of the change and short of the comfort. So I guess you could say I am accepting of the "is" but not comfortable with it yet. Kind of like an acquaintance that I've decided to make a friend but am not quite ready to tell my secrets.

And now I'm going to be one of those people who says, "It's not a sprint it's a marathon."

I had to get that Dorkorama off the top of the page. Trust me, I know that normal people do not spend so much time formulating Lost theories. But it's not that I am sitting around making notes on Lost theories on my legal pads- it just something that occupies my mind, you know, like in the shower, or while I'm driving, or falling asleep at night.

One time my boss asked me about the status of a case out of the blue. He said, "I woke up in the middle of the night and thought about Blank matter." All I could think was, "You woke up in the middle of the night thinking about a case?" And to be honest, if thinking about ridiculous, pointless things like Lost theories instead of stressing about work keeps this from being my future then I will never stop being a dork. (Hint: I will never stop being a dork either way.)

This has been a rough week and a half or so. You get those from time to time. Where it feels like nothing you do is right and everyone is unhappy with you or bitching at you. And one day when I was particularly in the trenches my boss said a couple of things that resonated with me. The type of things that I think I might still be saying to myself in 10 years. One was to "keep your confidence up." Which is really so important. I mean, if you don't believe in your own abilities then how can you make other people believe that you are capable. So at the times when you feel most incapable you need to feel the most confident in your abilities because just that confidence will go a long way toward making you capable.

The second thing was that with the work we do- really mentally draining work- it is important to not let yourself work until you are completely drained. Until your eyes glaze over and your body feels limp. Because the thing is, everything has to be quality and one mistake will sink the ship. The more tired you are the more apt you are to not only make mistakes but to just half-ass stuff. And oftentimes around here that last 10% effort is what keeps us out of trouble. Not to say that it isn't a necessity to work long or hard, but to also be aware of your own limitations and take sanity breaks, walk around, run an errand-whatever.

I'm learning more and more that I really have to be methodical in my work. I have always been the "git r done" type when it comes to tackling a job and I am the type to work until the job is done. I'm learning that I need to schedule my work more, take breaks, knock off if the job is too big for one day. I didn't think that I would end up here when I started- I thought I could be easy, breezy don't take it too seriously lawyer girl. But really there is no pride in not taking something too seriously and, as always, there is pride in a job well done.

From now on I will be eating my lunch alone in the bathroom.

You know that situation? The one where Friend One gets into a fight with Friend Two and then you decide you need to stick up to Friend Two on behalf of Friend One. And then Friend One and Friend Two make up, but now Friend Two hates you. I lived in that situation in high school. I just couldn't seem to let people fight their battles. And then finally, the last time this happened, one of the many Friend Twos called me out, loudly, in the high school cafeteria during lunch about adherence to the side of Friend One and my overall poor behavior regarding the situation and i was e.m.b.a.r.r.a.s.s.e.d. Also, I finally finally finally learned my lesson.

Since then I have been Switzerland (Sweden? (whichever one of those "neutral" countries.)) Being neutral hasn't been without its own problems. I have been accused of a lack of loyalty, of not being "there" for friends, but I have done a reasonably good job at staying out of other people's battles. I give advice and opinions when solicited- sometimes heavily weighed to one side or the other- but I stop short of getting so invested that I become collateral damage of the disagreement. Until this weekend.

This weekend I was a witness to a situation. A marital related situation. It may have been a completely innocent situation, I do not know and, really, it is none of my business. Regardless, the witness(es) (of which there were more than one) cannot un-witness. I was Sweden without any neutral territory- old, familiar Friend Three with no where to hide from the inevitability of ending up avoiding someone in the lunchroom. So, here I am, with shrapnel in my leg assessing the damage done in the rubble of someone else's problem.

If you think you could have done better I invite you to turn back the wheel of time and give it a try. Sometimes there is no ground to stand on that is not perilous and no future that is not full of consequence.

Reasons not to blog...

Hi there! Remember me? If you are reading this your are probably 1) my mom 2) really loyal 3) lost (Sorry!) 4) someone who knows me in real life (Gasp! It scares me that you are here.) 5) looking for things to do before you turn 18. Seriously- that last one, responsible for over half of the visitors to this here modest blog. Google searches for things to do before you turn 18 directing visitors to this post. Yes, I know, you are disappointed.

Anyway- where were we? Reasons not to blog. Just an innocuous little list, not in any way related to the fact that I haven't posted a character to this site in about six months. Certainly shouldn't be construed as a list of excuses. I am above excuses people.

1. You don't have time. I mean like say, hypothetically, you move back to your home town and start a new job. And say, hypothetically, you have almost no idea what you are doing at said job and figuring that out can take some time. Say in fact, hypothetically OF COURSE, that really the only thing you actually know how to do in life is go to school with healthy intermittent seasonal vacations- I mean HYPOTHETICALLY.

2. You can't really talk about anything in your life. Like maybe you have the sort of job that has confidentiality requirements. Or perhaps your friends have discovered your blog- like, really, they are possibly reading it right now.

3. You are super busy procrastinating. I mean you have A LOT of other blogs to read and, the Twilight saga- that shit ain't gonna read itself four times. Also, television, it's a big commitment. How are you supposed to be a productive member of society if you don't know who got kicked off Project Runway or what Speidi are fighting about this week? This is serious stuff.

4. You are too busy making excuses. It really does take a lot of time and effort to make up say, HYPOTHETICALLY, six months of excuses for not writing on your blog.

Of course I'm just presenting these reasons for your information and enjoyment. Clearly I have no reason not to blog- that's just ludicrous. Of course I'll be blogging. I'll be back tomorrow. You believe me don't you?

Seriously, you'll throw the golden gate in free?

One thing that I never really realized about myself until adulthood is that I am pretty gullible. Looking back it seems I may have been the last one to figure that out. Relatedly (horrible transition but let's go with it), one thing that I have known about myself for quite a while that other people may not know is that I have a propensity for blocking out some of the more unpleasant situations that I have encountered in life. I believe professionals in the field of psychology call this DENIAL. Suffice to say that you could come up to me and apolgoize for something mean you did to me 10 years ago and there is a large chance I wouldn't remember it.

However, lately I have been having brain tickles regarding some of the more outrageous things I was tricked into believeing by my "friends" back in my elemetary and middle school days. (Brain tickles being latent memories that are slowly surfacing- I'm sure it's perfectly normal.) It's weird because I had sort of idealized these childhood friendships and now I'm starting think that I grew up with a bunch of assholes.

One girl had me totally believing that her uncle was Tom Petty, which now I'm seriously doubting was the case. (It may have helped that I pretty much had no idea who Tom Petty was.) I'm declining to go into some of the other things that I'm pretty sure might have been blatant lies for the amusment of others, but I have to point out how ridicous it is that I NEVER realized that these were jokes. Like as in never before I moved away from that town forever and never as in I believed, and referred to, these "jokes" for years of my childhood.

Here's the thing, my problem has always been that I ALWAYS tell the truth. I tell the truth when it hurts, I tell the truth when people don't want to hear it, I am a blunt axe of truth. So I just expected for many, many years that when a person said something to me, that wasn't laced with sarcasm, that they were being sincere.

I don't really have a point- other than it's a little crazy what you all of a sudden realize. Also, the obvious: I'm totally in the market for some oceanfront property in Arizona.

Barak Obama is my needy ex-boyfriend.

He only writes when he needs money; which, apparently, is always.

OMG my face hates me.

My. face. hates. me. EXTRA PERIODS INCLUDED...

A brief history in [some currently undefined amount of] parts:

Up until about 4 years ago I had a cute little thing I'll refer to as: Life Without Stress. Where school, study for 5 minutes, flip hair, laugh, talk on phone, repeat. Then: lawschool = life with stress= AHHH pimple-pimple-pimple. (Also, hello punctuation nightmare.) All those years of having a perfectly clear face while using ORANGE colored drug store cleanser and then all of a sudden- face death. I needed a new skin care regimen pronto. Enter Proactiv.

Proactiv was all kinds of awesome at getting rid of blemishes but was also crack for face. Is made out of paint thinner, gasoline and Lucifer's saliva. It came with a sulfur mask (seriously-not joking) and is addictive. I did not want my face to look good at 25 and peel off when i was 40 so I stopped using it and started looking for something a little less harsh. Really what I wanted was something unmediated with natural ingredients. I reasoned that my face problem had been temporary and was under control. My face said, "Give me back my crack AHHH pimple-pimple-pimple."

Since then I have tried many cleansers/ing systems. Have tried: Bare Escentuals mineral cleanser stuff. Did not work. Smells funky. Smells even funkier as it gets old. Was gross. Have tried: Baby face stuff from Lush. Was weird and non wet. Needed washcloth (only have one). Did not work. Have tried: Mary Kay. Was lotion-y. Always forgot to order more until too late. Did not work.

However, I think I have finally found my savior. His name is BURT BEE. I can't believe I didn't call him sooner because I have been worshiping his lip balm since aforementioned Years Without Stress. I use: Citrus face scrub, tomato toner and deep pore scrub twice a week. Plus I treat blemishes with the blemish stick thing. So far, this is awesomeness and I even think my face is starting to forgive me.

The Definition of Weekend

About a week ago my brother/housemate mentioned that his friend/old roommate was coming for a visit this weekend. Now, this friend has been to visit for a weekend once before and let me say that the results of that last visit (The Weekend, Part One) did not endear me to the idea of another one ever again. Our house was a revolving door of drunk, rowdy boys that culminated in one night when no less than six of them came back to the house after the bars drunk, loud and prank calling Craigslist prostitutes WITHOUT MY BROTHER. My brother did not show up until noon the next day because, he who never meets girls, met a girl. Awesome timing bro.

So, could not have been less excited about The Weekend, Part Two until yesterday when I am suddenly struck by the realization that all I should have gotten my brother for Christmas was a big ass Dictionary because this "weekend" visit is actually from tomorrow (Tuesday) until next Monday. Wherein "weekend" = 6 days. What?

Whereupon he is so fired.

He's not annoying, he's my brother.

Living with my brother is somewhat of a challenge. I love the kid, but he is worthless around the house. Some of what has transpired in the past week:

Me: "How about you help me clean the house and then I'll help you rake the leaves in the yard."
Him: "I was kind of planning on doing nothing today."

Me: "This house is a disaster."
Him: "Yeah, we really need a maid."

Him (upon coming in from work and seeing that I had done the dishes): "Thank God you did the dishes. They were annoying me so much last night I almost did them myself."

Me: "What are the chances of me getting you to put up some Christmas lights this year."
Him: "Zero."

The thing is, there is just something about the little shit that is so endearing. I have no idea what it is, but it totally makes you let him get away with all the crap that he pulls. I think it's a magical power or maybe just a defense mechanism he has developed so everyone he meets and or talks to doesn't murder him.

Now broadcasting from the side of a building.

By tomorrow my name will be on the outside of a building prominently featuring the words Law Offices. I definitely don't feel like a person who should have their name backed up by a building. I am still waiting to feel like a lawyer. I'm still waiting to find out exactly when a person makes the transition from feeling like someone trying to do a job to someone actually doing a job.

The thing is, being someone's lawyer entails a lot of responsibility that I take very seriously. You could really, really screw things up for your client if you aren't careful. I'm not especially comfortable with a learning curve that involves other people. All this is not to say that anyone should worry that my inexperience could be detrimental to clients, I would never allow that to happen and I have plenty of help from experienced attorneys to make sure that it doesn't. Basically, what I am getting at with all this is the dichotomy between care and cowardice.

At some point I have to get out there and just do it. There has to be a first everything. A first court appearance, a first deposition, a first jury and at some point I have to be comfortable with someone putting their trust in me as their attorney. They will see my name on a building and expect things from me. Putting yourself out there is hard, putting yourself out there for someone else is even harder.

The Change I Expect

We call the President the leader of our country, but have we really had a leader? A leader is someone who guides a group of like-minded individuals to accomplish some job or goal. I don't think we have had a leader in quite some time. If anything we have had an employee, an independent contractor we hired to do all the dirty work we don't want to deal with. We vote and then we point, "the problem is over there, let me know when you are finished."

The change I expect from President Obama is that I expect to be changed. I expect this president-elect to find a way to be an actual leader who inspires us to do something. The hope and change that we have been promised isn't the hope that Obama will be able to change things better than the last guy. The hope and change we have been promised is a change in the people of this country that they may be filled with the hope for a better tomorrow that they are willing to work toward.

The government of this country was founded to maintain fairness, peace, security and to give us, its people, the stability needed to work toward our own better lives. The government is the vehicle by which we the people establish this union. Just because we elect delegates to lead the union does not mean that we don't each have individual responsibilities to its upkeep.

Maybe the people of this country have been failed by their leaders, but we have also failed. Barak Obama will need our help to be the President he has promised. I hope you don't believe that your vote was a passing of the burdens of anything but leadership onto someone new. The problems of this nation have not been passed to Barak Obama, they continue to reside with us.

I voted. (Or he did.)

I'm not at all disturbed by the fact that the woman beside me voting today was talking to her husband on her cell phone because she couldn't remember how she was "supposed" to vote. She couldn't remember who she was supposed to vote for in this race or how she was supposed to vote on this proposition so clearly she had to clarify her voting instructions with the vote determiner in her household. I'm not at all disturbed by the fact that this woman was apparently given the right to vote so that her husband could vote twice.